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I was visiting my granddaughter, Mira, who is two yearsold. Her parents, Mira, and I went to the beach. After a while, we wanted to go back to the car. Mira started screaming. She wanted to stay at the beach.

The way I was raised, my father would grab me and take meto the car no matter how hard I screamed, and if I continued, I would be punished. I was rarely allowed to have my way. In my culture kids need to know where the authority is and listen and abide. I spent more time in the bathroom on punishment than attending to my needs.

With Mira, something different happened. Stasia, her mother, crouched to be at eye level with Mira. Stasia asked Mira if she wanted rice or potatoes. Mira said potatoes. Then she asked if she wanted salad or fruit. After two more questions, where Mira made decisions about what she wanted, Stasia took Mira to the car. She went peacefully. No screaming.

What happened?

Here is my insight.

In the life cycle theory, I claimed that the PAEI roles develop over time in an organization. I just had an insight that they also develop in human life.

Three perspectives drive decisions: what we want to do, what we should do, and the reality we have to adapt to — adapt to what is going on.

The (E) function drives the “want” perspective. The“should” perspective is driven by the (A) function, and the “is” perspective —the reality perspective — by the (P) function.

It appears to me that, like in the organizational lifecycle, the first role to develop with humans is the (E) — the want perspective that drives decision making.

Mira was making ascene because she wanted to play more with the sand. But I believe Mira was exercising her want perspective — that she can want and make what she wants to happen. The beach was the excuse. If she does not win the beach argument she would find something else to fight.

What Stasia did was give her choices, and Mira could exercise her want perspective. Once she got what she wanted, the sand and the beach were no longer relevant. She went to the car.

Itis very important not to defeat a child in exercising their wishes. It will hurt them later in life. How to do it is by giving them something else to win in rather than on the item we want to win in.

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Real Case Study

Here is a case of a person who, during his childhood, was not allowed to want, and how that impacts his marriage. It also includes recommendations on how to handle people like him.

Ana came to me devastated. Her husband, David, announced that he was leaving the house and asking for a divorce. After twelve years that looked like a perfect marriage — never an argument -Ana would recommend, and he always agreed with her recommendation.

Now, out of nowhere, with no warning, he told her he could not take her dominant personality anymore. He did not want to be her slave anymore, etc.

Ana was devastated. What was the matter with David? He always agreed with her. She never forced her decisions on him. She suggested, and he always agreed. What happened?

I suggested that he probably had a very dominant father (we checked; I was right) who ordered him around and never let him have his way. So, he did not dare “to want.” He accepted whatever Ana suggested, but deep inside, he resented that he could not do what he wanted. After twelve years, he got the courage.

What to do?

With grownups, in a marriage, the stronger personality should never be the first to suggest what to do. He or she should ask the weaker one first what THEY want to do. And only after that is clear, should the stronger person decide if he or she agrees and if not, find a way for the weaker to win but in areas that the stronger one is comfortable with.

This is not a theory or practice of manipulation. It is to recognize the needs of the other person and honor and respect them, rather than force — even unintentionally — your needs first.

Much to learn.