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I am not sure I have not covered this subject already in a previous blog, but it is so important that I believe it is worth repeating.

When we are courting, we are excited by the differences our future partner exhibits. If we are the calm, collected, thoughtful person, we get excited by the emotional, lively, unpredictable person we are courting.

Then we get married, and a certain transformation happens. We now get disturbed by those same differences.

“Why are you like this?” we ask in a troubled voice.

What we are really asking, without saying it, is: “Why are you not like me?”

And that is where marriage conflicts start and can become very unpleasant.

We are asking each other to be what we ourselves cannot be.

We get divorced for the same reasons we got married.

Why does this happen?

I think, because in courtship it was mostly (E) and (I). The need for (A) and (P) was very limited, unless we moved to live together before the wedding.

Now the need to (P) and to (A) starts threatening the (I). And if there is still a lot of (E) that needs realization through (P), the pressure on the (I) is accentuated, and the conflict can become destructive enough to break the relationship.

The Premium We Have to Pay to Stay Married

Have dedicated time for the (I), no matter what. Protect that time slot religiously. It is like paying an insurance premium to protect the relationship. This is the time when with hard Adizes rules of running a meeting we clarify expectations and iron differences. Never leave hard feelings undealt with. They get under your skin and will pester you ongoingly and when they accumulate to the point of being unbearable, one of the partners will be searching for a way out.

To avoid these meetings from getting ugly the Adizes rules of running meetings have to be honored religiously. If one breaks the rules because they get too emotional stop the meeting. Reschedule it.

Another preventive measure, in order to reduce uncertainty and hidden expectations is to plan the (A), and honor it. Define upfront, before moving to live together, who is responsible for what. Make it as detailed as possible. Write it down. Both should sign it.

This document, however, has to be a living document.

In the family weekly meeting review whether the division of responsibilities was being honored, and if not, what should be changed. As situations change, so should responsibilities.

DO NOT HAVE THIS DISCUSSION outside the fixed weekly meeting, whenever tensions, frustrations, or new expectations surface. At that time emotions are too high. When anger surfaces it is hard to integrate. Wait. Record your irritation. By the time the weekly meeting arrives some of the emotions already have calmed down. Sometimes I noted by the weekly meeting arrives the problem, the irritation one felt is not worth discussing.

In those discussions, all new (E)s needs to be examined carefully. They are one of the major reasons the demands on (A) and (P) to change. Both parties should have the right to veto any new (E).

The (I) needs protection.
It will not survive on its own.

In the modern time we live in where change is rapid and unpredictable, love is continuously being tested.  

And most importantly, change the "glasses" through which you see your partner in life. Instead of getting upset with what they are not, enjoy what they are. Focus on the assets and put the liabilities in the background.

And here is a joke to show you why:

An old Jewish lady walks into a butcher shop to buy a chicken. She lifts one wing, smells it, makes a face, and says, "Oy vey!" Then she lifts the second wing and again makes a face showing she is not happy.

The butcher looks at her and says, "Lady, could you pass this exam?"